Hurdle

I’m writing this post spontaneously so that I don’t cheat you of the raw emotion I’ve been feeling. My husband is graduating law school this weekend. I finished grad school this weekend. I should be walking with my friends across a stage in a goofy robe but instead, I won’t get to do that because I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding and missed an overnight retreat (though it’s zero credit hours) that is needed in order to graduate. Cognitively, I know I should be celebrating my completion of grad school with Sam. However, in my heart, there is a pain that I can’t hold a diploma until after January when I go to the school slumber party. I’ve been focused on finishing and now that I have, there is something missing. I sat down today for the first time in awhile and almost burst into tears. So, since apparently I’m afraid my tears are made of acid, I immediately stood up and started cleaning the house. Then I emailed my friend Ashleigh who normally knows what to say to me when I don’t allow myself to experience my emotions. This is what she had to say in so many words:

Of course you’re going to feel a little let down that you and Sam can’t share this moment together. It makes sense and is normal! But here’s what I would do (and of course this doesn’t mean its the right way to handle it, but it would help me)… I would wallow in the disappointment for 10 minutes, possibly have a good healthy cry. After 10 minutes eat a nerd rope and drink a Red Bull. Next, I would praise God that school work is OVER!!!!!! Praise that He got you through. And (as weird as it sounds) praise Him for giving you a hurdle (ie, that stupid retreat) that brought you to your knees and got you closer to Him! ! I know this school fiasco has been so difficult for you, but you continue to blow me away with the grace you have kept through it all! I’m so proud of you. Finally, I would have a discussion with Sam about making this a special moment for you too!!

I know you too well, and I know that you will get all caught up in Sam’s pomp and circumstance and forget about your needs…. DONT DO THAT!! make sure you are celebrated too!!! I love ya MarthaB. I celebrate you!! I praise God for a dear friend like you. ::BIG HUG::

Now, go eat so much sugar you get the diabetes…

Now, of course, I immediately followed her instructions. Then I got in the car and heard these lyrics to a song, “Here in surrender, in pure adoration. I keep my eyes fixed ever on Jesus’ face. Let not the things of this world ever sway me. I’ll run till I finish the race.” I cannot let my Masters hold my value. I cannot let policy run my outlook on my life and my ministry. This hurdle is allowing me to place my hope, my value, and my plans around what God has laid out for me. No one else. Now, if you excuse me, I have an appointment to celebrate my husband, my completion of graduate school, and processed sugar.

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  • Meredith

    damn the retreat. sorry, just had to share my distaste for it as well. and know that our good Lord has a reason for you to still be enrolled at gcts for these few months… i was in the same place last year with indiv app. had to wait a whole freaking YEAR to graduate. yet i've seen God's hand in it, even if i was spitting nails this time last year…policy, agh.

    you however have finished all your work. and now you can breathe. and relax. if ya ever want to burn the gcts handbook… we can meet somewhere on 77. i'm in. love you martha.