I could feel it boiling up for a week now. There was an absence of peace, I could just feel it you know? It feels like stress, most of the time over nothing. Because that’s all that stress really is, an absence of peace.
I didn’t have much patience, I certainly didn’t have much grace, and my joy was short-changed. Instead of enjoying the little moments, I filled them with questions of the unknown.
What if this baby comes too early? What if something goes wrong? What if I go into labor and Sam is in court all day and I can’t get a hold of him? What if Bud is confused and scared? How will I handle Sam’s long hours and traveling with 2 little ones? How long will we be across the country from family? Will he deploy again soon?
All of these questions felt like a swarm of bees in my head. Sam got home last night and he could see it. The absence of peace. I realized I needed to hop in the shower, there’s something cleansing and quiet about retreating there. I wasn’t in there one minute before I quickly realized that I needed to once again, CHOOSE peace. I could choose to replace those questions with faith. I could choose to replace that impatience with patience. I could choose to replace that swarm of bees with joy.
I got out of shower with a new attitude. One of claiming gratitude for the good things that happened that day instead of thinking I was some sort of victim for the bad things.
I feel like I’m constantly learning this lesson over and over – but I’d rather spend my life chasing down peace than never knowing it exists.