I need calmness in my life.
My head is swimming with thoughts about missing my husband. Is he safe? What is he doing? Does he know how much I love him? How can I be a better wife from so far away? How can I help Bud remember who is Daddy is? How can I let everyone know I’m not just visiting family in NC but trying to escape while dying a bit inside because my true love is away for the year. Are there any cute female soldiers over there I’m going to need to take down? Is he eating ok? Is he sleeping ok? What is his room like? Is it December yet?
All of the stress plus my child self-weaning MUCH earlier than I had planned has caused my milk supply to be affected. Bud has been nursing 4 times a day but lately, the middle 2 feedings, he is NOT into it. It’s like I’m wrestling a calf and he’ll only eat for a minute or two. After talking with the doctor it looks like I might have to supplement with a little formula after TEN MONTHS of exclusively breastfeeding. I didn’t see this coming. I’m trying to pump but my body just isn’t responding. I’m trying to increase my supply, but my body is failing me. I prayed, cried, and felt like a failure. I’m just being honest. I believe every family needs to do what is right for their family and their child, and I thought that for mine, it meant breastfeeding for a year. It was important for me and for Sam. But I realized that my son needed more nutrition than what I was able to give him, so I went to Target to get my first can of formula. I started bawling in the middle of the aisle. I called my friend Betsy and told her to “talk me down” because I realized I was being irrational but despite what my brain was telling me, my heart felt like I was failing. I felt like I was failing myself and my family. I can’t explain it, it’s just what I felt. (*Note: Sam always pushes for what is healthy for both me and Bud, he would never make me feel like a failure for having to supplement with a few oz of formula, its completely self-inflicted)
And this blog. I’m not enjoying it anymore. It’s become something else I feel I’m failing. Whether its feeling insecure over a lack of comments, lack of interest, crappy writing, misinterpreted posts, personal information about me, or just comparison to other bloggers, I’m just not enjoying writing but instead, it’s becoming another thing in my life that I feel I’m failing at.
SO, I’m going to take a little hiatus from this blog. I’ll post some pictures of my adorable son. I’ll post things as they come to me but I’m not going to have it on my to-do list anymore. Until I remember why I started writing in the first place, I can’t be writing just for vanity’s sake.
I’m doing the same thing with singing at church. The only reason I was singing in the band was for selfish reasons. So, until I remember that my voice is to glorify God and God alone, I’m going to step back.
It sucks because these things used to bring me joy and currently are bringing me superficial joy, but thats no way to live. I need simplicity. I need peace. I need calmness.
I’m going to use my time to continue running, reading books, working on my book (fiction), and pouring love on those around me. If I feel moved to write a post, I will. If I don’t feel moved to write a post, I won’t. I pray I find my voice in both song and pen and that it brings glory to the One who gave it to me, and no longer echoes within the selfish walls I’ve built.